Hummm, I think to myself as I begin to write something about me, what do I want you to know? How do I want to describe myself? Who am I in relation to this blog? Heck, who am I period? I can describe myself in any number of ways, providing the context for you to know me in and through my writing. As an author, I am also an artist ~ portraying myself however I choose. Lucky you; lucky me. Let the painting begin:
I woke up one day and I was 60 years old. Bam! There I was, connected to the number 60 that defined my age. Because 60, along with all the other ages, come with their own societal connotations that define us. A post about these social constructions that define us, our life, and our behavior are best left for another sitting, because I really want to stay as focused as I can here.
So, I’m here at 60 now – edging toward 61 in a couple of months – realizing the extent to which I have been living within the pool of fear all my life. Pool, heck it’s no pool, more like a swamp: murky, dark, harsh, and not a healthy place to be.
This ‘ah-ha’ moment came a couple of days before I left for my month-long “Photo-Journaling Adventure” road trip, part of my research for my Dissertation [more on that later]. While pulling out an old photo album to take to the Kinne Kousin Reunion in McCall, Idaho, an envelope fell out, and inside were many pictures of me when I was about 5 months old. I could barely pull out the photos before beginning to cry. Looking into the eyes of my 5-month-old self, I saw the terror I felt, the fear I lived.
[A brief note here to draw attention to the phrase “the fear I lived” and my conscious choice not to say “the fear I lived in.” Two very different experiences. I didn’t live “in” fear, as if it were part of the air within the rooms of the house, or even that I lived “in” a house, oh no. I embodied fear, I lived with fear inside me. It coursed through veins and synapses, and was how I saw my world – as something to be terrified of.]
OK, bada-bing, I got it, deeply and pervasively I got it. So now what? What’s a 60-year-old girl gonna do? Being the stubborn womyn that I am, I’m turning to face it – damn old ugly thing! I don’t have a lot of experience in being brave, but I am a great -and successful- student who knows how to research. Some time ago, I found Brené Brown‘s work and have since become a student and advocate of it. Check it out.
So who am I? What do I want you to know about me? Well, for one thing, I want both of us to know that I am learning to be courageous and brave as I put myself ‘out there’ for you to see [via this blog and my dissertation], and as I delve deeply into the dark, murky recesses of the interior spaces [via the “Photo-Journaling Adventure”].
I’ll post pictures as I learn the technology.
Thanks for being here.
Re-Cognizing the Divine Feminine 